“I’ll make this clear. I will always be here. I love you I do I do. So smile you have me for life. I love you I do I do. I do.”
Him serenading me with the song “I do by Marie Digby”—too overwhelming. My heart’s exploding, pounding. I want to cry because of this.
In reply, here’s to my ever-beloved best buddy who never gave up on me:
“I love you so much and I guess you make me love you more whenever you do such efforts. Thank you so much for being my best friend, my brother, my lover, my everything. Thank you for making me feel so loved, cared, and secured. I know this will be tough, but I can do these things because you’re there for me and you believe in me. I’m sorry that I thought I already fall for someone else, but the way you stood firm, announcing and reminding me of how we’ve been, of how much you love me—everything just grew stronger. I know I’m secured and will always be as long as you’re with me. I know I can’t lose you, I can’t lose a person who’s been there for me, showering me with all his love. Your efforts overwhelm me, thank you. I can’t express my extreme feeling now, I’m at the top. Sorry for all my stupid ideas, my tantrums, my harsh words, my impulsiveness. Oh I can’t thank you enough—for accepting me, my mistakes, my flaws, and every single thing that I am. Thank you so much! I love you so so so much. Yes, I do love you.”
“Can I be the one that you’re needing?”
I’ve been there to hear your stories and sentiments. I’ve been there when you’re easing your broken heart. I’ve been there to make you laugh every time you’re feeling down. I’ve been here and there just to make you see and feel that I’ve been here all this time waiting for you to notice me. Every single day, I have my hope that one of these days, you would notice me. But today everything ends. I saw you with him and it looks like you’re having the time of your life with him. Why can’t it be me? I’ve been wanting to hold your hand, cuddle with you, and sing those songs that you’ve been wanting to sing as a couple. I can do almost everything for you and I just can’t take that you can’t feel the same way for me. Maybe I’m the one to blame, maybe it’s me who can’t honestly accept that the world is to unfair for someone to love me as I am. I thought you were just different… or maybe I expected much from you. But to tell you honestly, I just wanted to be happy for you and for him, because I guess it’s love after all. Maybe I’ll see you growing much closer and happier, then one day you’ll introduce me to him and say: “His my boyfriend.” And I’ll stand there, smiling as if I’m perfectly fine. Faking every single action that I make when deep inside I’m crushing. I am seeing that day when you’ll officially break my heart. Now, I just realized that no other girl could ever feel the same with me, that every other girl is just the same.
Sometimes we build up barriers because we’re scared to let people in. We spent so much time having our guard up for we don’t want to take the risk of getting hurt. Sometimes we push people away only to realize how much we want them in our lives.
05-28-12
And once again, it’s the matter of me getting so easily attached to someone…
I don’t know what’s up with me and my system, but when a new person comes my way—greets me with his most vivid smile and impresses me with his kindness and care, I just can’t help but be attached. I know it’s wrong since through this sudden attachment, I appear to be more vulnerable. Maybe it isn’t an ‘attachment’ issue but merely a stupidity. Maybe I’m too stupid to easily give in to someone just because they feed me with some of their notorious words and actions, or maybe I’m exaggerating things that I misunderstand their acts of kindness.
That I don’t really know.
But a fact in here is that I feel love, I fall easy and hard without me even looking further and thinking twice. That’s when I assume, I exaggerate, I over-think, I get so attached to someone that the cyclical end of every scenario is me getting hurt, me carrying such burdens, me being heart-broken, too vulnerable to be fixed.
Now I’m like an open door, pretending to have my protective screens up when in fact I myself is too weak to even strain the outsiders who could possibly crash me. I feel this. And yes, I must be this vulnerable to be hurt so easily.
Trust me, I hate myself for being like this.
I will my beloved Taylor Swift, I will.
Now tell me how can I get over you when all you do is show me how sorry you are for your mishaps. How can I possibly say that I am over you when all you do is show me how much you care for me. You fill my ears with endless words of love and affection, and to tell you honestly, those are the things that I can never take. I can’t stand to act strange and reluctant when all you do is nothing but kindness. Now I’m hating the instances more. How can you just hurt me and tell me that you love me again? You killed me, remember? You broke my heart and now you’re acting like you’re there to pick it up and fix it again. If I could just frankly tell you that you have to stop talking to me, I would’ve done that. At least, when you do, I’ll be able to move on and let go. You got me again, I know you know this. I hate you for doing this to me—you traitor. How can you make me hate you and love you all at the same time?
My friends are the main reason why I promised to keep my feet on the ground. I know sooner or later I’ll be brainwashed with some instances and happenings in my college life, but these people remind me of how I humbly started. Every time they show me their concern and undying kindness, I can’t help but be reminded of how much I owe these lovely people. They stood by me, they kept me strong, they pushed me to keep going on, they loved me unconditionally, and most especially, they believed in my capabilities. They are my strength. With the support they’re showering to me, I know they deserve some payback, and that is for me to do the best that I can in anything that I do. I love my friends, especially my high school friends. I may find future friends and all, but I know deep within me, that they will stay in my heart.
They are awesome like that. For them to simply give away those greetings for me as they wish me luck, goodness they’re nothing but a blessing. Oh I love them a bunch!
I have tons of things running in my head right now, and I bet it won’t stop until I settle down on my seat tomorrow. Tomorrow it is! Tomorrow is the start of my classes and I just can’t believe that in a few more hours, I’ll be one of the college students some people look up to. I am pressured, nervous, anxious, excited, tensed, happy, scared, etc. I am filled with these mixed emotions. I am contained with these nitwit emotions that I just can’t simply explain how I’m feeling. I know I have to get some rest, but I doubt if I can even stop thinking about tomorrow. So here’s to these things that makes me sick and happy—I pray. I pray to God that He may stay with me and make me feel His presence. I know He’s been with me all this time, but it is tomorrow that I humbly and badly need His presence. All I have to do now is to trust Him that everything will turn out fine tomorrow. O for goodness sake, I have to calm down and relax myself. Dear God, I know that You know what I’m feeling. I know that You’re the only person who could possibly calm me down. I trust in You. Amen.
Something came up to me today. A call which I expected and somehow wished. I’m now in to this rampage, this fork in a highway in my life once more. I can’t help but ask God why He gives me such confusion—why I have to even think twice and more for my future. I appreciate His gift, I honestly do. But to think of this decision-making task once more kills me to death and with all honesty, I just don’t want to be under this head-piercing situation once more. I’ve been setting myself on a place where I thought I would build my dreams in, but there’s this confusion coming again for the third time. I just don’t like this feeling. The impulsive reaction of everything sinks in to me that I don’t know what to do. Dear God, I know that you’ve wanted this for me. You gave me this because you know it’s with a purpose, but to tell you honestly, I just don’t what it is besides from extreme confusion. I feel blessed O God to receive such a news, I know it’s a gift. But with your gift I experience such confusion and I just don’t know how to deal with this opened-door for me, so help me God. I know you know what’s best for me and I trust in you. I give you all these hopes and dreams, these thoughts and doubts—I offer them to You. Once again dear God, thank you for this wonderful news I received, and at the end of these confusions, I know it’s all up to you. Amen.